i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
