im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
