How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
