I haven't been this sober since birth.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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