I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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