So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
