Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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