When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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