He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
