you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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