you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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