The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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