so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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