so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
