Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
