Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
