She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
