Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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