Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
even my farts smell like vagina
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
