Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
