break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize