Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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