I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
