what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
