I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
