Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
