Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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