My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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