It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
