i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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