Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
