You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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