she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
