Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
