If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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