Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
