I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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