chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
