Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
