respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
