She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize