Pants 0. Shit 1.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
