I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
