A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
