I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
