When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's the barista slut.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
