I wish you could order shots online.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
