Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize