Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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