he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
