Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
