If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
