She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it penis luge time yet?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
