i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
