You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
