he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
