He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
