She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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