I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
